Space Battleship Yamato

Directed by Takashi Yamazaki

Screenplay by Shimako Sato

Story by Leiji Matsumoto, YOshinobu Nishizaki

This movie is absolutely horrible. Avoid at all cost–I’m not kidding. I do not know if the original anime series is as unbearably ridiculous, but the film adaption is effing bad. That’s how bad it is. Having no preconception from the animation series, here are the reasons why I hated the movie:

First of all, the story is weak. The “aliens” that are destroying earth are carelessly portrayed and defined and nothing is explained properly. The setting is stupid. The fact that humans managed to rebuild their cities completely underground in five years is utterly improbable. And the beginning was so confusing that I had no idea who the protagonist was…like, the characters are just flung in there at random. Nothing makes sense.

Things are too sloppy. Period. All over the place. Not to mention the special effects aren’t all that impressive. And how many times the spaceship has to be attacked? Is that the only obstacle that ever occur? Seriously, like nothing else happens. And their available solution is either to warp, or to charge up that super-duper cannon. Either or, since the ship’s energy can’t support two at the same time. Well…this restriction did not come into effect near the end, when the ship frigging warped after the cannon was fired. What the hell?

Gosh, I hate movies like this. I just want to rant rant rant and complain. Yep. IT’S SO BAD. Like WHAT THE HELL? I wasted two hours of my precious life just to watch that crap. Honestly. Well…why didn’t I stop watching it? I always finish the films I started watching. It’s just my personal thing.

And the “final battle”! They somehow managed to destroy like, 80% of the alien’s race by planting a bomb in their energy source and with what, like two people? One guy, Saito, is furiously shooting his machine guns and eventually dies, while the other technical guy plants the bomb. What, the, hell……………………………………………………………………and blah blah blah a bunch of people died and sacrificed themselves, must not let them die in vain….oh, and that stupid hand gesture when they salute. They do it too many times. WAY too many. I seriously wanted to rush into that film and break their frigging arms. SO ANNOYING.

Anyway. The most retarded part has to be when the main guy decides to sacrifice himself. Yay, crash the spaceship into the enemy’s ship while firing the super-duper cannon so the ship can explode. Suicide mission! Very noble. Everyone’s like NONONO! You can’t do this! And his girlfriend is like, I’M STAYING WITH YOU!!! Do you have any idea how much time it took for everyone to leave the goddamn ship? The aliens must be like, “Ah, they’re saying their goodbyes, so we’ll just wait while they finish up their human business.” Yep. I WANNA SWEAR.

ANYway. The whole thing’s just stupid. DON’T EVER WATCH IT. It has to be the crappiest movie I have ever seen. It’s even worst than Naruto the Lost Tower. God. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.


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