True understanding

It’s funny…I felt like I’ve never truly understood English—until now. As I reread Memoirs of a Geisha, much of it seems to be new material, although I’ve read it before. I was quite dismayed, to be honest, when I was unable to recall anything from the book. I knew the general story line because I’ve seen the film adaptation, but I can’t remember ANYTHING from the book. Nothing. Only small, pitiful amount of texts and images.

And I gradually recall…the English books I have read in the past…how much attention had I actually devoted into actually understanding the text itself? I just wanted to finish reading it, and I seemed to “zone out” as much as I could.

I never took English seriously. I prided myself for learning English so fast as a second language, that I was blinded by my vanity. I could never admit my weakness and my ignorance back then, and it stopped me from reaching my full potential.

I could have done better. I’ve wasted so much time on my writing, all because I was so distracted all the time. My mind is always restless when I’m reading. Why can’t I enjoy a story—just simply enjoy a story? Why do I have to lie to myself about…oh, I’m not reading this book because the writing sucks, or it’s some sort of “junk reading” because it’s not “up to my standards”? Why was I so full of myself? Why?

Right now, I’m rereading Memoirs of a Geisha, as I’ve mentioned before. I was surprised at how many things I am discovering. I used to think the book was dull, slowly-paced and overly detailed. But I was wrong. The descriptions, the exotic details, the unique imageries and the narrator’s voice—they’re exquisite, and I’ve come to admire them. It’s strange. I feel like I’m finally understanding English fully. I feel like English has finally, at last, “settled” in me. After what, eight years? I consider myself quite accomplished, but I was just as blind.

From now on, I will be humble…

Anyway. I want to talk about another thing.

Being an intern at Ricepaper has really helped me tremendously, especially in realizing my own weaknesses and strengths. For example, I have such a slow pace…that the first two days I ended up arriving late. I felt really bad about that. I was really careful afterwards. I also discovered that I’m always eager to get things done…a little bit impatient, eh? I learned to slow down. It’s all about quality.

I want to be the best I can be. Trying to be perfect again. Maybe when I grow older I’ll learn to live with myself more. Not to say that I’m really tortured because of my perfectionism…I’m content with life. What more can I ask for? Unlike many others, I’m not really worried about what will happen, because whatever’s gonna happen, I know it’ll be okay. Even if I’m lost, I’ll find myself, and it’s okay if I’m lost for a while. I’m still human, right?

Although…knowing myself and my perfectionist impulses, I think I’ll keep trying to be a saint. Haha. A spiritual know-it-all…I love pursuing spiritual knowledge. It’s my thing. I guess I don’t have to think too much about if there are reasons behind everything that I do or everything that happens. Sometimes (or shall I say most of the time) God doesn’t really interfere with what you’re doing. They will NEVER make you do something because they think it’s better for you. They’ll talk to you, and hint at you, give you signs. But they will NEVER make the decision for you. It’s always up to you.

Always.

Anyway. I’m so off topic here!! Well…I usually am, anyway.

And I usually end this way with my posts. HAHAHAHAHA. This is so lame.

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