Death Match: Me vs Giant Blueberry Cupcake of the Underworld

Another one of my absurdist mini story that I wrote while I sat in my English class, transported by boredom into another universe. Combining the knowledge I had learned in my previous class, history of Roman gladiators, I crafted a story in which I was an undefeated champion on the arena, fighting against a ferocious creature of the bakery…

I stood upon the sands of the arena, the roar of the crowd thundered against my ears and shook the heavens. I raised my sword, to which the spectators responded with fervour and began to scream, chanting my name and my title: Lord Gummy Bear, the Undefeated Tea Addict.

The emperor of Rome rose from his seat; the crowd, extremely agitated and hungry for blood, quieted with considerable reluctance. With a gesture of his arm, the gate at the other end of the arena opened slowly, as dark clouds began to gather directly above it, casting an ominous shadow.

I steadied my feet; felt the mithril armour against my body (which I stole from Frodo), underneath the thin, decorative chest plate that radiated under the sun. I was not afraid. I feared no men, nor gladiators, nor demons from the underworld. Remours reached me days ago that my opponent had sprung from the pits of Hades, a creature of the undead. I laughed and refused to participate in this folly.

The gate came to a stop, fully opened. Now no physical barriers existed between me and my foe. For a while the entire arena was silent, and then what sounded like footsteps of a giant droned through the dust and sand to where I stood. Whatever it was, it was huge. My fist tightened around the hilt of my sword, and I prepared to slaughter.

What appeared before me filled my stomach with dread, and for a moment I simply could not believe what I was seeing.

A colossal cupcake the size of two elephants, hopped and stomped its way towards me. Its eyes, two walnut shaped beads, shone viciously in the heat. I lowered my sword as I looked up to meet its glare, immensely annoyed at its blue icing and star-shaped candy flakes that dripped onto the sand with disgusting hisses. Its incredible mouth, rotten with expired cake-stuff, unleashed a horrifying roar and a foul stench.

I stared at this miraculous bakery, my opponent, and let out a sigh of frustration.

A cupcake. A cupcake? A blueberry flavoured cupcake!? What kind of sorcery was this!? I faced a rare monstrosity supposedly extinct, after having been driven outside of the edge of the world, beyond civilization. I gulped. According to the legend, the blue icing stained your skin permanently and would never wash off. Eventually, one plunged into madness in self-destructive attempts to scrub off the infinite blue hue upon one’s skin.

Such was my opponent. However, I would never lose.

The cupcake, without warning, launched its first frontal attack, bellowing like a crazed goat. I dodged, rolled nimbly to the side and regained my stance.

“Come,” I beckoned. “And be unmade. For I shall unbake you.”

The cupcake monster, furious, charged at me once more. I raised my sword.

I was ever ready.


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